Simply Nicole: The Harsh Reality

"Sometimes [we seek] approval so frantically that we become torn and confused by the conflicting needs of those around us. Concentrating on pleasing Heavenly Father brings peace, a respite from fear and anxiety."

A RESPITE FROM FEAR AND ANXIETY

My biggest fear (besides spiders of course) is a simple seven letter word; relapse. When I started my recovery from an oh so fun eating disorder (sarcasm implied) my number one goal was to never relapse. My mindset had always been that once I commit to something (my recovery) there was just no way I would ever go back; the same mindset that had fueled my disorder the three years prior to starting my recovery. It was naive of me really--to think that I would never face the red flags of a soon-to-be-relapse.

I managed to survive my first year of college quite well without any conscious restricting or overdoing it with the exercise but despite those months of great success I simply cannot pretend that April didn't happen.

. . .

I figured that I had been fine for over a year and a half by this time that there was just no way things could get bad, right? I didn't really need to take my medicine anymore because even on the days I would purposely skip them, I still did pretty dandy. After all, there were more important things to worry about around this time ie. finals and getting ready to say goodbye to some of my best friends as they left for their 18 month to 2 year missions.

It was 11:15pm on the first Saturday of April when it hit again, almost as if it had never stopped. It had been a great day, I had gone to the temple and spent some quality time with some of my favorite people.

After it was over, I didn't really think much of this night because I knew recovery was all about its ups and downs; you get your good days and your bad ones. The main thing I had been ignoring was that prior to this night my critical eyes appeared to have been clearer than ever before. The self-detereation had already begun and I, too busy to really pay attention to the red flags, let the darkness set in.

The months following only got worse, not that I ever really discussed it with anyone, because how on earth could it still be this hard after almost TWO years of changing my whole life around!?

It wasn't until early July that I finally caved and spoke up, accepted the harsh reality that I was not okay. The thoughts of restricting and the anxiety I would get over food seemed way too familiar to a place I never planned to return to. Unfortunately, half of me--the most important half--had already gone back. It wasn't until July that I, once again, could not pray. It wasn't that I didn't want to because I did, I wanted to pray and ask for help more than anything else--but I just couldn't. The feelings of being unworthy to pray had been so overwhelming that more times than not I would just lie on the floor next to my bed unable to utter a word or even think of anything to say. The darkness started to envelope me in a way I had never prepared for.

I knew I had to do something and that I had to act fast because the thought of fully relapsing and going back to that horrid place scared me to death. I was able to confide in my parents and siblings. It took a while and a lot of hard work the following weeks to get back to a place where I no longer felt unworthy of reading my scriptures or praying to my Father above.

One of my best friends who is currently serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints somehow, I do not know how, knew that something was not okay and wrote me saying,

"You need to keep trying. You need to keep fighting even if you're just taking baby steps. Sometimes baby steps are the best. It may be hard work sometimes, but one day it will be well worth it."

. . .

Now almost two months since those awful months of my almost full on relapse, I am back at BYU and loving life. I started taking my medicine again--coming to terms that its okay to take medicine and it does not mean you're crazy. After all, God did not intend for us to go through this journey all on our own. That's why I am a strong believer that He puts certain people in our lives at certain times, its why we have made so many advancements in medicine, and why He has given us the truly beautiful gift of being able to directly speak to Him through prayer. We have so much in this life to help us live better lives and despite the stereotypes our society may make about certain things, we need to take advantage of the tools and blessings we have been given.