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The thing about life is that most days are great and then there are days like today where I just need to take a deep breath and realize that I'm doing the best I can. It may not be perfect but I'm trying.
I remember when I was starting my recovery process how difficult starting was. I would stay up until 3am just thinking about whether I really wanted to change or not. Because the thing is, my identity had been so profoundly based on my eating disorder that losing it meant losing myself altogether and that was really scary for me.
I remember that about a month into my recovery I decided to look in the mirror in my room and make myself say "I am beautiful" out loud as a way to stop all the negative thoughts from coming. Yet as I stood there looking into my reflection I remember sobbing and tears just dripping down my face as I said those three words because (at that time) no matter how much I said it, my mind would not believe that such a thing could be true.
And even though it's been a little over a year since I started my recovery it's still hard to believe that I am beautiful. I no longer cry in disbelief because I know my worth is found in the love Christ has for me. But that doesn't mean its always easy to be recovery minded.
I have come to realize that the only way to overcome this (or any other addiction/illness for that matter) is to fully submit myself to God's love and will. This is and will continue to be a long learning process. I'm not sure there will ever be a day where I can look up with a smile on my face and say "I am now fully recovered."
But I know that there will be a time where I will be able to smile and say "this doesn't hurt me anymore." I know this because even though at times it may have felt like it, Heavenly Father has never left me to deal with this illness/addiction on my own. I know he is (and always will be) there every step of the way--every sleepless night. He's carried me through it all.
So today, though it's a hard recovery day, I smile in triumph knowing that God loves me and is with me. That no matter how hard it may get, I can always fall back and rely on His grace and mercy.